Let me go back to my last post real quick, on the part about infidelity in Japanese society. I had a good convo about this with a friend of mine, and got a better insight on this and the overall picture involved.
Yes, infidelity seems to be a thing here, but it's more a case of the separation between love and sex, the societal 'look the other way' attitude towards it, and just the generally different mentality on the subject compared to, say, the U.S. He pointed out a good comparison that I feel also fits, that Japanese people aren't raised with a religion in society that shuns everything sexual, which is quite prevalent in the states. This inherent openness and much different attitude towards sex and stuff definitely contributes to a different mentality and openness towards all of this.
All in all, I could only go back to our mantra from CBYX, "It's not Good, it's not Bad, it's just Different." Just because I was raised the way that I was and believe that infidelity is wrong, and someone else was raised a different way and believes that there's nothing wrong with it, doesn't mean either one of us has the correct mentality. It just means we differ in opinion.
"Patience is the most selfless form of self control."
- Beleaf in Fatherhood
Stumbled upon this video one morning, and got a kick out of this dude's kids' antics. At the end though, he comes out with a little pep talk and some personal stuff, and said that quote about patience. Then this...
"When we show patience to someone it really says that we love them in a very still manner."
Why would this be of significance to me? Because I suck at patience. Honestly, it's a very glaring weakness of mine, in most areas of my life, at least when I'm not in a chill mood.
The worst of it is how hypocritical I am with it. I am terrible at patience, but more often than not, expect others to show great amounts of patience with me. The biggest example is my photography stuff. When I'm traveling and taking pictures, I stop a lot to capture something. I'm totally cool being the one in the back and catching up to others, but sometimes it involves the group I'm with slowing down at some point to wait for me to catch back up after the delay.
If the roles were switched, I have a bad but strong feeling I'd eventually get impatient and passive aggressive. It's stupid though, because sometimes I'm so worried about myself I don't see that that's exactly how I am to others. So not only can I be unnecessarily impatient, but blindingly selfish.
Granted, I'm not always as terrible as I make it sound. I'm more often than not quite chill. But the fact that I could see myself being so impatient in certain situations, it's a sign I still have to work on that a lot. It's one thing knowing and being aware of it, and a whole different thing putting it into practice. Being one about self-improvement and progress, I hope the next time I'm tested in this fashion I pass with patient colors.
I'm suffering from a serious lack of direction at work, and really have no real idea where things are going.
This week I had a meeting with a guy in a different area of the company, but who is involved with the project I'm working on. Well, it turns out he's way more involved than I was previously informed. Aka thanks a bunch to my inept manager, I should have met this guy on the first day I got here...
So with this guy, I essentially traveled back in time to the stuff I spent the first 6 weeks doing, but now we're doing it all again because he's the one that's actually supposed to be doing a good portion of the stuff on my task list.
It was a bit of a wtf moment, realizing that with this guy, essentially where the overall project is at, I'm still in the concept phase. But with my boss, the guy who's supposed to be directing me with what I'm supposed to do but really has no idea himself as to what's going on, has me believing that the stuff I'm working on has been locked down and moving on to the next thing. My boss has not been extremely helpful in clarifying or providing the resources to really know what is going on. He's been very day-to-day and spotty on his support, and that kind of leadership is extremely frustrating.
On top of all that, it seems like he's completely aware that the stuff I'm doing is not going to have much of an effect on the project, and that he sort of planned it that way.
I sat in on a meeting where my boss and the overall project lead requested proposals from other groups for design changes. In this meeting, I was actually was able to talk about something and kinda sorta contribute. After the meeting, I talked to my boss and he goes, "Hey, now you can feel like your work was used somewhere."
Are you fucking kidding me?!?!?! At least give me the decency of thinking that there's been some factors outside of your control for the almost inconsequential project. Him saying that felt like he essentially planned for my work to be useless. But with the slight development during the meeting, now he himself is surprised that it's actually being used? What kinda bullshit leadership and management is that?!?!
I'm loving Japan, but hating the main reason that I am here. I've almost completely given up on the work here, and just want to not show up anymore. It's a waste of my time, it's a waste of the company's time, and I wouldn't be surprised if they had planned it that way.
I've realized how much of an arrogant jerk I can be when I'm on my way somewhere. For example, in train stations, I'm good at weaving through crowds and maintaining my head on a swivel. But I'm not perfect, and occasionally I get crossed up with someone. When I do, my mind automatically gets a little pissed off and subconsciously assumes that the other person infringed upon my movement.
Where do I get the gall to think that? They're humans going from A to B, just like me. I have no priority over any space in the world, and neither do they. We're all just rats in this race and I need to chill the fuck out.
I think this is a bad combination of my impatience and wanting to get travel time over quickly, that just keeps me in a mindset of "go, go, go." Being in the most populated city in the world is not the best place to assume that there won't be any obstacles in train stations. So once again, I need to take it slow, have patience, keep it all in perspective (a ten second delay is not the end of the world), and take a deep breath. I'll get to where I need to go when I get there.
I got to skype with my sister Alicia this week. It was great to catch up with her and my two fur-nieices (aka her dogs). Once again my business got the best of me, as it had been quite a while that we'd talked outside of WhatsApp.
But while we chatted she interviewed me for something in her Music Psychology class, and it was interesting reflecting on the role music had and has in my life. Things like my music history, if I've ever had any bad memories because of music, if I'd be afraid of performing in front of people now, and some other stuff. (Piano in elementary school, choir in middle school, drums in high school; no, I've never had music be the cause of a bad memory or event, but yes in having music as a reminder of a bad event; no, I would just suck and it'd probably sound terrible). It was pretty cool, and I wonder what it'll turn out to be! (Alicia, I'd like to read your analysis on me when you get it written up!)
One thing that I discussed with Alicia was my weird psychosis when it comes to what I want to listen to at any point in time. The music I listen to is usually dictated by the type of music I listen to, and vice versa. For instance, when I have something awesome, new, or just generally great going on in my life, I get all sorts of bubbly and constantly have great music stuck in my head, know EXACTLY what I want to listen to when I get the chance, and just can't go wrong.
Conversely, when my life gets in a bit of a holding pattern, or things are somewhat melancholy or worse, or there's nothing really exciting going on, I usually have a terrible time trying to find something good to listen to. When this happens, I'll usually just put my music on shuffle and hit 'next' a good 10, 20, 30 times until something halfway decent comes on. It always surprises me how in-tune my music tastes are with my daily attitude.
To everyone reading this periodic thingamajig! It makes me happy to know that people either feel so inclined, or have nothing better to do, and decide to check out what I'm babbling about each time. So thank you for your time!!!
Original Publish Date: October 30th, 2015