LIFE AIN'T ALL BRATWURSTS AND MUSTARD


Get it? It's like saying "Life ain't all about roses and sunshine", but germanified...

Impeccably articulate prose aside, the saying holds. Life ain't all sunshine and roses. And that definitely holds true in my life.

To be honest, I've started to really struggle with being in Germany over the last couple of months (written in April/May timeframe). There's a lot that plays into this, and I'm going to take this opportunity for me to do a bit of a brain dump and lay out my thoughts to help me process my mindset and experience thus far. It'll probably be pretty personal, and we'll see how much I'm willing to lay it all bare, but I hope this gives a bit more of an insight into my life - in general and specific to being over here.

DISCLAIMERS

With that, here goes...

Work Struggles

Let's get work out of the way first. Overall, work is going ok over here. I've got a good manager, working with a bunch of really experienced and competent people (and a few that aren't either), and the project is moving along ok.

Considering the fact that work is really the only thing able to go on in life right now, it's also kind of a bummer that I'm not really enjoying what I'm doing. I think that can be boiled to a number of reasons, and it's a bit scattered and compounding.

Colleagues

Something I learned in my last job is that it's not about what you do day to day, but who you work with. The people you work with and interact with make such a huge difference and have such a massive impact on the ability to enjoy what you do.

The folks on my team are extremely competent, experienced, and really good at what they do. Additionally, I'd be more than happy to grab a beer with them all, aka I get along with all of them pretty well (going back to Zack's hypothesis, which has so far proven pretty true in my life, that if your coworkers aren't the type of people you'd want to go grab a beer with, they're likely not great coworkers). The ability to interact and cooperate and work together and tolerate each other is definitely not the problem.

The downside is that a) the culture here isn't like what I'm used to in the US where you do something outside of work together every now and then or try to foster some kind of non-work interactions if the interest is there, and more prevalent is b) that all of my coworkers are in a different life stage than me.

The reason I think this is so prominent for me is the fact that I don't have the ability to do much of anything outside of work. Since my main inter-personal interactions are all work-related, it's a bummer that I don't have the chance to connect with my colleagues on a more enjoyable, not-work-related level. Granted, COVID obviously has been and continues to be a big impediment to that (just like in every other aspect of life still), and who knows. If COVID wasn't here, maybe I'd feel different about that. But work being really the only thing that comes into our interactions (see "You ate lunch alone") is quite a bummer for me.

Again, it's not that I have a problem with anyone I work with though. The engineers and the technicians are a great group of people. and I am on good terms with all of them (afaik). Especially with all the technicians, they've always got a joke, sarcasm, or something fun on their mind, and are really fun and easy to work with. Definitely a great group of honest, supportive, helpful, hardworking people. Just no one's on a similar wavelength as me (age-, life-phase-wise), as far as I've seen.

What adds to this is the two points of interaction I have with our supplier. I'm the main point of contact for the application guys from our supplier, and both the application guys are a boatload of fun every time they're on site. Younger, funny, energetic, hardworking, easy to chat with and shoot the breeze, really fun. I honestly get pumped whenever they're coming to Wörth because I know it'll be a good bit of fun. That kind of energy is missing on our team, and honestly, within the company here as a whole.

Location

Our site/office is kinda stranded on an island. We're not near any thing other than logistics centers, a harbor, and farmland. Not bad in the grand scheme of things, but it's pretty isolated. That, paired with the fact that our site is pretty small (I'd say 200 people max, +/- 50 or so?), there's not a huge pool of people to interact with. Again, add COVID into the mix, and that pool of folks has dwindled down to a smaller group each day.

Why am I bringing this up? Well, the fact that there's not a huge pool of other people to interact with. And those that are there, it's all work and nothing else.

Cultural Commentary: I'm not sure how much and to what extent, but there are some general cultural differences here that are playing into this. In the US, work and life are more fluidly mixed. But in Germany, looking back and seeing my experience now, work and life are very clearly separated and rarely (if ever) intertwined. I don't necessarily see anything wrong with that, as the abiltiy to leave work at work and leave it completely separate from your actual life is a huge positive. I think it's affecting me so much right now because the actual life side of things has been put on hold.

The Work itself - The Root of the Problem

Despite a few complaints, the people side is not what I'd like it to be, but it's not a huge negative. Moreso me just wishing I had more than what I have. Yes Mom, that selfishness is still there. I'm working on it. Kinda...

But the work side of things I think is playing a big part into my overall dissatisfaction. Here, I think it's a good mix of me not enjoying what I do (industry-, company-level, not necessarily day-to-day), but also a good part of I just don't want to have to work to live and be able to do fun things.

If I could just have some kind of Universal Basic Income, goddamn that'd be nice. I'd probably not work for a while just to figure out what I actually want to do and go do it. Working in the auto industry is not going to be the status quo for my whole life, and I'm looking forward to when I can do something else.

But what do I want to actually do? I've always (and still do) want to get into the Renewable/Wind Energy industry, but have not truly focused to try and make that happen. I actually was offered a job with a company that would've been the PERFECT position, but I only got the offer for that after I'd already accepted the journey to come over to Germany. Bummer that that didn't work out, but other attempts have been pretty ice cold in terms of opportunity.

Honestly, career-wise, I kinda feel in limbo. I've been doing what I do long enough to feel that I'm a bit pigeon-holed, even though I want to break out of it. I've got to ponder my options and desires here a bit more, but I know I've got to find something that I enjoy more on a daily basis. Not finding passion and excitement out of what you do makes it really hard to go to work on a daily basis.

That's work for now, but it'll come back up after we talk about...

The Non-Work Side of Life

To be honest, the non-work side of my life feels like it hasn't really existed for the last almost year and a half. I got here a month before, and moved into my apartment a week before, the country went into the first-wave lockdown. Since that first month was pretty busy with getting into a work groove and finding an apartment, there wasn't much time to jump into things and get involved in places.

Frisbee

Frisbee is one place and one atmosphere that's been such a pivotal part of my adult life. It kinda faded out of view in Portland, but was pretty prevalent during my last time here in 2016. Thankfully, I've still got a connection to a few of the people in the community here, and am part of the Fantasy Football league, which was a blast with the guys last year.

But although I've still got a connection to, and really enjoy the people of, the ultimate frisbee community in Karlsruhe, I don't have the desire to practice 2-3 times a week, spend 2-3 weekends per month on tournaments and travel, and have frisbee be the only thing that I'm able to dive into in my free time.

With COVID, that wasn't going to happen anyway, but the Spring League level that I'd become accustomed to enjoy is completely out of question. So the one method of frisbee that I'm still engaged with (drinking beer on a weekly basis with some friends and playing some frisbee in a light-hearted competitive environment) is not in the realm of possibility due to the pandemic. That's a huge bummer.

It has been a slight thought of mine, maybe even a regret, that I should have jumped into this a little more headstrong because it's a group of people I already have a connection with. Though my life has morphed to other interests in the past 5 years, since I have this base connection to the group here, part of me thinks I should've reverted to a more concentrated focus on frisbee, just because that means I'd be starting with a social group where I already have an 'in'. It's not a constant thought, but it sure pops up when I start to feel alone.

I don't think nor know if that would've fixed anything. It would've been hard to sacrifice the other fun areas of my life to refocus on frisbee, but would doing that have given me more interaction amidst this pandemic? More opportunities to meet new people and expand my social connections? Maybe?

Mountain Biking

This has easily become the biggest part of my life in the last few years. And honestly, I'm fucking loving it. Such a fun sport, such a good adrenaline rush, such a good way to stay in shape. It's a fucking blast. Unfortunately, it's not the easiest way to meet new people / it's not an activity centered around social interaction. There are two sides of this saga though.

Side 1 - Trail Building

This is the social side. Right when I got into town, I joined the local mountain biking club for a few sucessive weeks to help shape and build the new trail at the local trail network (could officially be called a network as this was Trail #2). It was great to get out and do some physical activity, but moreso the chance to meet some like-minded riders in town.

Through that engagement, I not only got a feel of the trails that were in pedal-distance from home, but I got to meet a few local riders to start getting in touch with the community. One guy that I met, we really connected pretty well and he helped welcome me into town through MTB. We rode a good bit together, did some things outside of riding, and was really enjoying getting to know Franz, and through him his wife Steph and another guy in town Stefan.

Well, at some point middle of last year, Franz and Steph moved to Heidelberg, as he'd landed an incredible teaching job up there. Was/am super pumped he was able to find a job he was much more excited about, but was/am bummed that the person I'd gotten to know the best had left town.

There've been other occasions where I've met a few other people through trail building, but nothing's really panned out. I exchanged info with one guy, but he never got back to me. I live across the street from another guy who's pretty involved in the community here and seems like a like-minded rider, but we've yet to meet up.

Really the only regular connections that I've made through trail building are the sons of the farmer who owns the land where the trails are located. On build days, the two kids (Sebastian and Benjamin) would usually tag along, as Franz has a good connection with the farmer (Marcus), and they'd help and ride along with everyone else. Well last summer I ended up getting invited to dinner with Franz and Steph at the Marcus's house (awesome guy), and got to know little Benjamin and Sebastian. Well we exchanged phone numbers so I could let them know when I'd be riding over to the trails from town.

In all honesty, they're the closest thing I've got to consistent riding buddies. Super pumped any time I'm able to meet up with Franz and ride or hang out with him, but that's a little harder/less frequent since he's up in Heidelberg. The folks that I'd met last summer in Freiburg at Lac Blanc, I'm still slated to join them in July for a trip to France, but other than sporadic chats, no real connection there. Benjamin and Sebastian are super funny and energetic, but not the riding buddies I would've expected.

Side 2 - Riding

Trail Building is a social opportunity, but Riding honestly (at least for me and my introverted mentality) is not so much. Since I'm 90% of the time just riding by myself, regardless of where, that's what I focus on and just kinda keep to myself. A couple times in Heidelberg though, I've connected with some random other riders and tagged along, but again, most of the time it's just me, my bike, and the trails.

That's not a bad thing every now and then. It's refreshing and relaxing to be able to pedal when, where, and how much I want. But not having a crew of riding buddies to enjoy the highs and lows, ups and downs, jumps and rocks, along the way, is not quite as fun. Knowing I've got an incredibly awesome group of folks back home to ride with doesn't make this aspect easy.

Cultural Commentary: To add to all of this, the kind of riding I like (Downhill/Enduro - pedal up because you have to, ride down because you want to), seems to be a less common riding style over here. Don't get me wrong, definitely a lot of DH riders here, but at least most of the people that I've connected with or met that said we should go riding together, are more Cross-Country (XC) riders, with an equal or higher focus on the ups versus the downs. That's cool, but just not what I like to ride. I'll ride up for the fitness but down for the fun, with a HUGE focus on the down because it's way more (or really actually) fun.

Swing Dancing

The big hit in all of this pandemic regarding activities has been swing dancing. I haven't danced since I left Portland, and honestly, I miss it a lot. No, I'm not good, but learning how to swing dance had been a true fun spot in my life in Portland, slowly progessing and learning how to move a little more fluid and gracefully through some great music with some great people.

As soon as I'd landed here, I tried to find a way to keep that going, but the first attempt I screwed up the dates, the second attempt was at a 'practice night' at the dance school which didn't sit right, and then COVID hit. Swing dancing isn't exactly an activity where you can maintain social distancing, so it's taken a bit of a backseat to a lot of things.

I reached out to the dance school a few months ago to see how I could get back into it. Their response was that I could sign up to try and find a dance partner, and then I kinda lost motivation. This is definitely on me, as there seem to be ways to get into it, but mentally I've just dropped the ball or forgot about it more often than not.

Backpacking / Nature

To say I am spoiled to have grown up and lived in the Pacific Northwest is a severe understatement. It's easily the best corner of the US with everything you'd need, and the nature there is really second to none.

I knew, going from Portland to Karlsruhe, that my nature surroundings would change. Europe still has some incredible mountains and nature, but whereas in Portland it's an hour away, in Karlsruhe it's a minimum of 3-4 hours away. And the nature that is near Karlsruhe is very pretty in its own right, but just clearly different compared to what I like diving into. Rather than mountains, it's big hills with forest roads criss-crossing every other inch of the place. And in general here in Europe/Germany, nature is a lot less untouched than I am used to. It's hard to find a big area of forest/mountains/nature that doesn't have a roadway, town, something built up nearby. Quite the bummer not being able to really remove yourself from the world and dive into some solitary wilderness.

Adding to that, what you can do in the nature is more limited too (for good reasons, but a bummer nonetheless). Here I can't just throw my tent in a backpack, find an empty set of forest, and call it a night without having some worry in the back of my head that I'll get caught. I definitely miss that capability and method of just shutting off and escaping the world. Being able to go out and do a quick weekend backpack trip would have made the past year and a half a good bit different.

As I said, it's not like there isn't any nature here near me. To a good extent, it's just me being choosy, selfish, not being understanding of the differences, and kinda just throwing a temper tantrum that I don't have what I want. Childish, and stupid, for sure. The nature here in Karlsruhe area is nice, just not what I'm used to. And a little further out is what I'm used to, but it just sucks that it's farther away than I'd like.

This hits two aspects. The singletrail, middle of nature, backpacking/hiking trails that you find everywhere in the PNW are harder to find here. A lot of trails are forest roads with short stretches of hiking trails. But as forests are mostly private/commercial here, it's not quite the secluded nature I know back home. Then, because the nature is largely privately owned, it's harder to build MTB trails, which leads to long delays in getting trails built, and a lack of understanding for non bikers about the interest for MTB trails.

Notes after hike on 2021.05.30

So through my time wandering around the woods today, I hit on some things that always pop in my mind regarding hiking here. Unfortunately, I never feel really excited to hike in the Karlsruhe area, and mainly because the nature areas here don't really feel like actual nature areas.

Within a 2 hour radius of home, I have yet to find a forest/mountain/hill/park, etc. that isn't surrounded by civilization. Even in the woods themselves, there is a spiders web of forest roads that really, for me, inhibit the solitary, natural feeling and atmposhere of being in the woods. As a pretty fitting example, here is the area that I hiked in, where as far as I understand it, white is forest road, solid black is hiking trail, striped black is old forest road, and yellow are actual roads...

Hiking isn't hiking...

For me, hiking and being in nature is about getting as far away from people, buildings, infrastructure, and civilization in general, that I can. Unfortunately, in Germany, that goal is EXTREMELY hard to achieve. I'll take the Schwarzwald as an example. Although the whole region has some great nature, there are dorfs, roads, and something human-influenced riddled throughout the entirety of the region.

On one hand, I am showing all kinds of privelege that I'm complaining about this:

Those things aren't all givens, and I totally respect that. I've been very fortunate with how much nature I've been able to see and enjoy in my life thus far, and I hope that doesn't ever stop.

Being here in Germany has (again, based on my priveleged experience so far), really been a notable sacrifice when it comes to what I would like to experience and enjoy in nature. Out of the whole day I was in the woods, I could only count a mere handful of times (in short stretches) where I really felt in nature, away from the world, and surrounded by the trees, hills, fresh air, and sound of birds. That rarity of a feeling I so cherish, value, and thrive on back home, is hard to come to grips with.

It's not a great comparison, because the Allgäu has actual mountains, there's fewer people there in general, it's a different area of the country, etc. But here's a view at the same level of the mountains I'd climbed/hiked around the weekend beforehand, where a true sense of nature and solitude was a little easier to experience.

Hiking is hiking...

Again, this is reeking of privelege, selfishness, and is totally "Meckern am hohem Niveau" (complaining at a really high level), but I miss the nature back home. The ability to go out into the woods for a long weekend and have nothing but hiking trails and seeing maybe one person, that's what I want. But unfortunatley, right now in Germany, I'm either not able to find it, or it's so far away from me that I'm not able to get to it enough to de-stress and refuel my nature needs.

Travel / Adventuring

Europe is really quite an incredible place. So many countries, cultures, languages, and mentalities, all crammed into a packed continent. All of those above are things that played into my accepting the role over here. Stemming from my CBYX years, I've loved adventuring around the world and seeing new things. The desire to travel around, visit new countries, new cultures, new languages, get insights into other facets of Europe, interact with people with different experiences in life, see the many other beautiful natural areas that Europe has to offer, was one of the big draws to me taking the plunge to come back over here. Unfortunately, with COVID, that's been nearly eliminated.

(I apologize for this next bit, as it's a rant reeking of privelege. Sorry.)

Since arriving/landing in Germany in January 2020, one month before the whole world shut down, within Europe, I've been to:

..and then within Germany I've been to:

I hope this doesn't come across as me not being thankful for being able to go to and experience all of these things. I truly am! My expectations, however, coming into this were that I would have the chance to see and do so much more, and not be limited by the damn global pandemic that brought life to its knees.

But since COVID hit, I've not felt that adventuring to a new city, even within Germany, would be viable or enjoyable. First due to the driving, but that is most definitely doable. But driving to a city that is largely closed down would not be ideal. And for the cities that are farther away, (3+ hours away), not having the option to stay somewhere adds to the complicated equation. Having to decide between making a really long day trip out of it, or sleeping in the car, my mind tends toward just not going. Not sure if that's the right mentality, but I've reasoned that out by trying to instead maximize my time in other ways.

Then, with the rollercoaster that is the changing border regulations, for a good chunk of the time, I have not even been allowed to cross the border into France (which is 30min from my front door), without having to quarantine upon return. As each wave has come and gone (we're still in the middle of the third wave as I'm typing this out) things have constantly changed. That has (most definitely mentally, if not also very consistently logistically) shut out the opportunity to travel to France (30min), Switzerland (2hrs), Austria (3h), Belgium (3h) and the like, despite how close they are.

This has felt so limiting and restricting to me. I have more options than I give myself credit for, but the presence of what feels to be so many fences, limits, restrictions, and limitations, has given me a sense of being confined to Germany, and at that a small portion of Germany.

For one, Karlsruhe is in the corner of Germany. So as you look at the map, a full 1/4 of the directions I could go, are immediately out, and then further closed down as you expand outwards. Then, as a point of comparison, my mind is sporadically filled with the comparisons of what I'd still be able to do in the US. Although the situation in the US was worse than the worst for the first year, it has slowly getting better since January 2021, and throughout that time, one has been able to travel between states, and most importantly, jump into the bounty of nature.

For me, this is essentially the mental mindset that I have when I think about what could be. If I was back in Portland, I could still travel up to Tacoma to see my family, through Oregon, California, and elsewhere to see friends, to other States to go mountain biking or backpacking, on a huge long roadtrip to just get the heck out of the house and camp wherever. I just have that bug in my mind thinking about how much more flexibility I would have in the US compared to my situation right now.

And unfortunately, I'm also comparing my experience to the experience of some expat friends that are here who, before the pandemic hit, were able to travel a bunch around Europe freely and experience a bunch of all that is here. Seemingly every other weekend going somewhere or doing something new, flying to other countries for a long weekend to checkout a historical city or just to experience something new. I've been able to do that once over a two week span in the now ~16 months I've been here.

Again, I've been able to get into and do some things since I've been here. But nowhere near what I was hoping to do, and it's been quite an immense bummer and is playing a huge role (both optimistically and realistically) in my decision regarding the future.

Love and stuff...

This is a topic that is always on my mind, but one that I am always hesitant to talk about. Regardless of when or where, I don't talk about this very often with others, which is one reason I've yet to ever go into this in my writings/musings (that others are allowed to read). Even to close friends (with a few exceptions), I'm hesitant to bring this up because of how I may come across, what people may think of me, etc. Despite that, this is something that I've constantly struggled with how to go about writing about this, if I were to write about it. And as this topic has occupied a ton of mental space over the last while, well really forever, and is contributing to the decision(s) specific to my future, here we go.

I could honestly talk about my thoughts on this aspect of my life for quite a while. But a lot of that is very personal to me, and not something I'm completely willing to spread bare to whoever comes across this page. What I will share is that I am currently single, and have been various shades of that for the longest time. Unfortunately, I'm to the point (and have been for a while) where I'm wishing that wasn't the case. I've had a mixed bag in terms of a relationship history, but in the most recent chapter in that history I've loved and been loved by a truly amazing woman, essentially a perfect match. Due to a few points though, a long-term relationship isn't in the cards. There's a lot more to that, and so many heavy emotions on my heart there, but that's all I'm sharing here.

In pretty much all areas of my life, if I have something I want to achieve/accomplish/do, I work hard to make it happen. Well, finding a partner, a true friend, a partner in crime, an adventure buddy, someone to challenge me and help me grow, someone I can challenge and help grow, someone to love and be loved by, someone who fits with me and I fit with them, is not something I can just work hard at. Luck in meeting that person and patience in fostering and growing that relationship are the two biggest components to making that happen. Although I suck at patience, I know I can practice it to foster a relationship. But luck, the first step to start the whole process, the happenstance to somehow have my life intersect with someone in the emotional and mental state to maybe spark with me, that's the opposite of concentrated effort.

Ever since a certain period of my life, I've heard many variants of the following trope:

"It'll happen when you least expect it..."

My life is a bit of a cycle, where there are periods where I do my best not to think about it. I go on with my life, work on becoming the best person I can, and continue to focus on me. Well, those phases come in and out, and eventually I realize nothing's changed, no spark has happened, no person has entered my life, and then get bummed I'm still relationship-wise where I've been for so long.

Well, being in Germany hasn't really changed anything. To start out, COVID has absolutely had an impact. Not being able to have any semblance of a normal social life or the ability to expand social circles and meet new people (i.e. through swing dancing, frisbee, who knows what else) has not made being-single-in-a-foreign-country-living-in-a-smallish-city-where-I-don't-know-a-ton-of-people-to-begin-with particularly easy on the dating front.

Unfortunately, (as far as my dim-witted mind thinks), this has limited my options to online dating. Maybe there are other means I could explore that still adhere to the ever-changing COVID restrictions, but I've yet to be creative enough to think of anything. But more appropriately and accurately said, it's essentially eliminated my options.

In the online dating world (Tinder, Bumble, and I even paid for the cursed sack of crap that's on every damn billboard and placard called Parship, "someone falls in love every 11 minutes" my ass...), it's all been a pretty big whiff. Not sure if...

...or something else along those lines. But thinking about it more rationally, here's kinda what I've come to realize.

  1. I'm a foreigner in this foreign country. Even though I've lived here now for a combined over 3 years, I'm still not a local, not fully in-tune with local customs, and can sure stick out like a sore thumb. That can be good or bad, depends on one's perspective, but probably has the biggest effect of me not knowing dating or relationship culture over here.
  2. Karlsruhe is actually a smaller town compared to most every place I'm used to. Karlsruhe is a little less than half the size of Portland, with a feeling of it being a lot less than half the size in terms of resources, amenities, offerings, etc. Comparing that to the sizes of Columbus, Hamburg, Tokyo, San Jose/The Bay Area, but then taking into account the actual feel, there's a world of difference in between. Granted, COVID's limited my exposure to the breadth of the city, but what I've experienced, the size is a notable factor. As I said, the numbers are one side of the story, but the feel of the city shows a much bigger difference than what's on paper.
  3. Karlsruhe has a strong technical university. Stereotype warning, but it holds true. Chocked full of dudes. Obviously not completely, but having an imbalance towards technical majors does schew towards the masculine side of things in terms of student population. Comparing that to what I've learned/experienced from Heidelberg and Freiburg, the difference is quite clear.
  4. I'm just not a good fit for the standard potential partner over here. Granted, it's a small sample size, but a good number of gals that I've went on dates with seemed to show some signs of being a pretty good match. But in a lot of cases, there seemed to be a clear mis-match in either personality, vibrancy, excitement, a lack of adventure, or I don't know what. Maybe that's just inherent to online dating, that you only get a small snapshot of the person before meeting them in-person, but even after meeting them in person, I feel like some of it is related to cultural differences that I don't know if I would be ok with. Not sure, but kind of a hunch.
  5. I feel like I really know what I'm looking for. This knowledge/realization has been developing over the last few many years and there are so many details, aspects, traits, etc. that I find important. Adding to that, the fact that I am or can be a detailed and particular person, even if a good potential match came into view, I've got a long laundry list of things I reference to see how good the match really is (in my one-sided point of view).

There are likely more points that have filtered through my head at some point, but all of that explanation to eventually say that this aspect is definitely playing into my decision of do I extend my contract or not. Kinda feels weird that it's playing that much of a role, but it is. I'm now 31, not getting any younger, I want to have kids and a family at some point, and I want to find someone with the same/similar plans and goals in life. From what I've experienced so far, there are likely potential partners here with the same goals and matching personality, but a) finding that person, and b) having it be a compatible match is looking more and more like a complete fairy tale over here, moreso than back home.

To back up, right now and in general, I don't see Karlsruhe being the place that is going to long-term let me explore and enjoy the things that I find enjoyable and fun in life. Extrapolating out from there, I find it hard to believe that I could find someone that aligns enough with my life and personality and such and vice versa here as well. As it usually plays out, everything's pretty well interconnected, and the romantic forecast here in Karlsruhe, and honestly Germany as a whole, is not looking too great.

That's not to say that it's going to be better anywhere else, who could say that. And maybe I'm just throwing a hissy fit because my impatience and false understanding of the actual situation or myself. All very well possible, hopefully not the case though. But if my analysis of the situation (likely resulting in over-analysis and a resultant hindrance in and of itself) is somewhat on-point, that's kinda where it stands.

Mindset

As you can imagine, my mindset has struggled through all of this. The whole of humanity has been struggling with COVID and its wholistically immense impact on all of our lives. And I sure as shit know that I'm not special in that regard, that my mind has been topsy-turvy because of a global pandemic, as COVID and this whole situation has effected everyone in the world.

My lovely, dearest Mommy brought up a good point on this aspect that I hadn't had in mind. Essentially, when I went through the mental weightlifting of balancing the pros and cons and trying to figure out if I wanted to move over here and take this job or not, I realized there were a number of areas of my life where I'd have to sacrifice, but also some where I'd benefit.

As for sacrifices, I knew mountain biking and backpacking would be severely impacted, the quality/variety of beer would go down, I'd be going from a large city with everything under the sun available to you to a medium-sized city with fewer offerings and much smaller population, and I'd be missing out on actual Mexican food for a long while. But, on the flip side, I reasoned that I'd be surrounded by a potpourri of cultures and countries, would be able to drive to new foreign places within a few hours reach, be able to re-explore a familiar foreign country, expand my horizons to new places, and dive back into a culture I'd grown to know.

All the drawbacks were going to be there and I knew I'd have to deal with them by diving into the benefits. But, with COVID, nearly all of those benefits (not just the ones listed above), were also wiped off the map. I came into this ready to take advantage of what was feasibly available, and COVID took those away too. So from realizing I had to compromise on some things, it's come to be that I've still had to compromise while having the rug pulled out from under me for the rest of it.

As you can imagine, this hasn't exactly helped my mindset, but has contributed to the dissatisfaction and frustration occupying my mind. No way around it, it's a matter of accepting the situation I am in and figuring out how to come to grips with it. But, I've been struggling with that lately. A lot.

Living the GBD Principle

Back in that fateful and impactful time as a PPP'ler, wayyyyyyyyyyyy back in those long-forgotten days of 2013, we were taught that things aren't good, or bad, they're just different when living in a new foreign place. Unfortunately for me, in the last few months, I have really lost touch with the CBYX mentality that was fostered in me during my exchange program. I've become much less patient, less understanding, and in some ways less open-minded, about living in a this foreign country.

I'm sure this is heavily pandemic-influenced, has a lot to do with the fact that I've lived on my own the last good few years, and the fact that I am (can be?) an impatient, selfish asshole. I've gained more and more instances where I gripe pretty consistently about Germany, and I have a feeling and know it's bugged a good number of the Germans around me, and has led to me further closing myself and my mind off to the actual experience and stepping back to analyze things in a more critical and open manner.

I'll start with my defense. This is now my third time living in Germany, and as of typing this out, it's totaled to a little over 3 years. That's not a short amount of time, and in that time I've had the chance to learn about things here, experience a lot of the many processes and phases and experiences of daily life here, and done my best to see and understand how things work here. Having seen things fairly thoroughly, the good and bad, I feel like I'm in an informed-enough position to have an opinion on things.

This thought-train will come up in the Good, Bad, Different I'm doing for this go-round in Germany, to come once this adventure is over. There are a few good items, but a lot of things that are just pissing me the fuck off over here. I'll list down my biggest frustrations, but PLEASE NOTE that I could go into detail about each one, my belief of its background, where I think it comes from, etc. So although these are quick points loaded with bias, no detail, there is a lot of detail that belongs to each which can lead to full discussions:

There's more, but in all, after taking the first times living here to get to know things, understand how things work, and experience things as best I can, I've come to see there a lot of aspects of this country that I struggle with accepting and being ok with. And unfortunately, due to my impatient mentality, rather than accepting it and dealing with it, I let it piss me off and that's not a good way to respond.

Now, for my non-defense. I'm a guest in this country. I'm not German, but I'm living in Germany, in a foreign country, in a place I still don't know everything about, and this is a privelege for me to be able to do so. Yes, there are tons of differences about being here, but that's just it, they're differences. I'm used to how the US works and how things are there, but I'm not in the US right now and I need to adjust myself to what is happening here.

That reason in and of itself is enough to put me in my place, be more understanding and patient, and realize that it's not all about me. But in addition to that, why do I feel like it's ok to be so impatient, be such an angry dick about things? It's clear that I have issues with patience, tranquility, counting to 10 and stepping back from whatever is frustrating, and just generally being a more tolerant and forgiving person.

So where do I go from here? Well, for starters, be more calm. Shit is going to piss me off and annoy me. That's a given. But how I let it get to me is the most deciding point. I can't let things (big or small) let me fly off the handle, ruin my mood, and just bring things down. I gotta understand that things are different. Know it, but take time to step back and internalize it. Let the frustration and impatience cool down and then dive back into the world.

We'll see how that goes. But I sure gotta work on it.

Mindset Part 2 - Where'm I At?

During the hiking trip with Christoph and Mischa, we had a ton of time to poke and prod at my current mental state. In talking with them, and just in general, it's clear that my mind is not in a calm or stress-free state. That's not just evident by my loss of hair and slow evolution to salt and pepper on my head, but also in my struggle trying to come to an understanding of where I am at and where I want to go with my life.

Rather than going through the whole discussion, here are some key points I drew out of the psychoanalysis from two friends:

That's a bit of a jumble, but it's also a good representation of how undecided, disoriented, and target-less I feel at the moment. I know and realize I'm in a good spot right now in life, but I also know and realize that there are things that I haven't achieved, things I want to do, things I want to improve, and things that I know need to change for me to feel more at home and satisfied with where I am.

What do I need to do that though? How do I become more at ease with where I'm at? CAN I become more at ease in my current state knowing there are a number of things I'm not completely satisfied with? Pressing questions, and ones I need to chew and gnaw on a lot to see where I'm at in my life, and if I'm ok with that...

The Dilemma - Where'm I Going?

What does all of this commentary, self-reflection, struggles, and mindset talk get me to? A decision. A big decision.

Do I extend my contract and stay for another few months, a year, two years? Or do I make my way to the end of January 2022, say thanks, Tschüss, and move back to the US?

It's a decision I have to come to by the middle of October, and ideally sooner, to help with either decision. But this is not a decision that I will be able to reach easily. It's been weighing on my mind a whole helluva lot the last couple months, and is something that won't be resolved easily - just like the decision to take the jump and come over here in the first place.

All of the main points listed above are playing into the decision and pulling me one way or the other. Rather than writing a separate book about how torn I am, I'll try and synthesize my thoughts as best I can and provide a subjective breakdown of how each fork in the road will affect the outlook. Let me do a quick breakdown then:

Work

Stay --> Neutral-Positive. For the most part I'm enjoying my work here, and am seeing that I am having a positive impact on the company and our department, here in Germany for sure, but especially in the US. It's nice to play a positive role and be able to support many people across the various regions.

Go --> Neutral-Positive. This would all depend on what kind of role I would land in upon my return. If a manager role, it'd give me the chance to develop a different set of skills and see how I go at the next level. If not, then probably time to find a new company, new industry, and a new professional direction.

Mountain Biking

Stay --> Neutral-Negative. As I've seen in the last year and a half, the mountain biking in Karlsruhe direct isn't the best (and the future doesn't look great either). In the area, there are good things that are fun, but to get to the really good stuff it's a few hours away for sure. Sucks not being close to good trails.

Go --> Positive. No surprise here, but I really miss Portland and the plethora of MTB trails within a two hours drive. That and my riding crew, goddamn I wish I had all them dope shred friends and the incredible trails nearby, so returning home would put me in a MTB Mecca, which I would be totally happy about.

Swing Dancing

Stay --> Neutral. Considering the fact that I haven't danced since I left Portland, it's a bit of a bummer. This would have to change from self-initiative, and if a fourth wave doesn't come, then there might be a chance to make something of this. Finding a dance partner would honestly be the hardest part, as I feel like I'll be a bit picky on that.

Go --> Neutral-Positive. Just like mountain biking, I miss the swing dance atmosphere/scene/crew/setup in Portland. No idea how Corona has affected it, but the classes I was taking, as well as the weekly socials, were an absolute blast. Getting back into that vibe would be awesome, and would get me looking forward to getting back on the dance floor!

Backpacking / Nature

Stay --> Negative. Nature is just not the same here. It's pretty in its own right. But to get to what I consider nature, with no roads or infrastructure around, and truly being surrounded by trees and mountains and actual nature, that is hard to find in Europe. That and the whole no backpacking (wild camping) thing, this will continue to be a point of sacrifice if I stay here.

Go --> Positive. Ain't nothing better than the Pacific Northwest. Period.

Travel / Adventuring

Stay --> Neutral-Positive. If things keep trending up and Corona eventually fucks the fuck off, an open Europe would be AWESOME. But that first part is pretty crucial. Assuming that happens, the ability to wander around Europe again and explore is something I have been looking forward to through all of this. Scotland, Portugal, The Alps, Croatia, Norway, so many places I'd like to go and things I'd like to see!!!

Go --> Neutral-Negative. Getting back to the US would put me back in touch with the many places to travel to in my home country. A bit of a downside, but it's not the cultural potpourri like Europe, but has a potpourri of other sorts. The big adventures would then revert back to 2-3 weeks at a time flying off to exotic and far off places. Not a bad setup at all, just not quite as accessible as having it all in your backyard.

Love

Stay --> Negative. As mentioned earlier, I'm starting to believe that what I'm looking for in terms of love just isn't in Germany (swap the Swiss and the German). This is not a very settling belief and is likely going to play a notable role in my decision to stay or go.

Go --> Neutral. Even though returning to Portland would put me in a different environment, doesn't matter where I am in the world, it's all about meeting the right person. That could happen anywhere, but there is absolutely no guarantee that it will ever happen.

Family

Stay --> Neutral-Positive. Being far away is hard and sucks. But, being here in Europe, and if Corona eases up, that means family visits!!! That was supposed to happen last year, but this year is still on the table that Mommy and/or Peewee could come and say hi over here in Europe! I'd love it if that happens to show them my neck of the world over here!

Go --> Positive. Being only 2 hours away by car is, as you'd expect, a whole helluva lot easier than being 18 hours away by plane. Being closer would be awesome be a part of my family's lives, and to be the cool uncle that I am in-person and not just over facetime.

Random Thought

This kinda fits with parts of the mood of this post, but I've been feeling like, for a good long while, that I'm due for a nice long cry. The last time I really had a heavy cry was when I moved over here. And every now and then, from certain songs or certain moods, I just feel a heavy batch of tears needing to come out. Kinda weird, maybe, but I feel like I need a good cry.

Wrap-Up and Next-Up

Well, if you made it this far, I'm impressed. My mind is a fucking jungle and I'm surprised I even made it this far (it only happened over three months of sporadic mind-dumps).

Coming up next (as I write this last bit a few months after the meat of the post), I've gotta get caught up with all that's gone on this summer! Life has slowly returned, and this summer has been and will be very filled. I've only got a few more days and I will FINALLY be flying home!!!!!!!!!!! End of July and I'll be headed back to the USofA and the PNW for a few weeks of family, friends, tacos, beer, and nature. All of which I CANNOT wait for!!!

I hope you are having a wonderful day, staying healthy, finding joy in the positives and learning from everything else, and enjoying what life throws your way. :-)



Original Publish Date:July 16th, 2021