A TUMULTUOUS LIFE UPDATE



So, just as a warning, the majority of this is going to be more journal entry than blog post. If you're not keen on that, skip on down to the end to get a more objective write-up of what's going on. I figured since it's been over a year since I've made a peep over here, and the fact that I've become increasingly terrible at all forms of communication, I figured it was worth it to provide some sort of update, regardless of the form it takes.

Tumultuous might not be the right word for it, but to be frank, my life has been kinda shit lately. Not because anything big or negative has happened, but purely because I have a few big decisions to make in my life in the coming months (yet again...), and I don't know if or when I'll achieve some things I've always envisioned for myself. The stress of decision making and pessimism has been nothing but stress and has put me in a pretty moody position. Not to mention added an unfortunately large amount of grey hairs to this aging beard.

Once I pull myself out of the gloom and difficulty of trying to look forward, I have a lot of good things going on for me. I am doing my best to not lose sight of that, but I'm very inconsistent with that. In the interest of ending things on a positive note, I'll save all that til the end. So for now, here's where the stress is coming from:

Those are some pretty pressing and heavy thoughts, but they're all related to work. And to be honest, I could kinda give a rip about all of those, because there's one thought or aspect of my personal life that has put me in such a stressed/depressed/anxious/pessimistic, down and out state. I normally save this for my journal, but:

I'm honestly embarrassed to admit it, but it's fucking shameful how much that one fucking question and all that's wrapped up in it is and has been impacting me.

A Quick Rewind

I broke up with my now-ex-girlfriend about two months ago. That was a really great relationship, we clicked on all levels, there were definitely long-term prospects, and we had so much in common that really connected us quickly and cohesively. Why did we break up? I was forced into the question - could I foresee myself living in Germany for the rest of my life? She had no intentions of moving away from Southwest Germany for any appreciable amount of time. She's from here, her family all lives here, and for her Family is number one. So if we were going to stay together, I would have to be ok with being stationed in this region of the world.

Was that an easy answer? No. There are so many pros to living in Germany, and Europe as a whole for that matter. The quality of life here is insane and the benefits are immense. I could honestly do a whole damn post just on my internal discussion regarding the pros and cons of living in Germany and the US. It's long... But for me, it was about so much more than that. My family is not on this continent, there's a fuckton of people in Europe densly packed into a fairly small area, the nature here doesn't hold a candle to the PNW, and home is home. So long story short, we broke up knowing that long-term/'forever' in Germany for me was not an option.

But that decision was made, and because of that, our relationship came to an end. She's got plans to move away and will be starting a full-time teaching job in the fall. Super excited for her and what that opportunity will bring for her. I, on the other hand, am now in this quasi-purgatory of knowing I've got an end date on my contract, am still in the same situation as previously and now without an intimate relationship, but honestly now have no idea where I'm headed and what I'll be doing. It's uncomfortable, emotional, unknown, and I haven't been dealing with it well.

A few weeks ago I went for a solo-MTB ride in Freiburg to treat myself to some self-therapy. In that ride, despite the difficulties of me being stuck in the chaotic rat's nest that is my own head (I suck at self-reflection when it's just me and my head), I came to a few conclusions:

It's been over a month since then, and I've been doing a poor job at sticking to those. Learn how to live and love me again, live in the moment, and shed off work. Those are clear goals and things to achieve, but easier said than done. For me at least...

Brick Wall

It all came to a T this past week. I'd just gotten back from an incredible weekend (Birthday Weekend, nonetheless) playing with my awesome buddies in Pen15 at Yes but Nau in Nantes, France. Killer weekend full of beach frisbee and beer and friends and shenanigans and it was absolutely incredible. We got back Sunday, I had a relaxed night on the balcony with a döner and tunes, then bed. Then when I woke up I did some yoga, had a great drive to work, and was in a killer mood and was bubbly as hell. But by afternoon I'd sunk into a hole and things just got worse.

The whole high from the tournament had worn off, the stress and annoyance of work had got to me, the excitement of meeting a cool woman at the tournament was still in my head and I'd let that expand to how can I start something out of this (this sounds so fucking middle-school, but that's how it always plays out when it comes to women...). Well, the afternoon only got worse when I learned I needed to come back at night to check a truck in the dark. I was struggling to keep it all together, but went home, ate some food, and then was back at work. Icing on the cake - I ran over a bunny on the test track. Apparently it happens not infrequently, but that happening then and there solidified me being in a downward spiral. I wrapped up what I needed to do at work, but was honestly on the verge of tears the whole way home just having the whole weight of so many questions on my shoulders.

These and a number of other thoughts really plastered me to the floor. It was not easy waking up and going back to work because the emotional rollercoaster was well underway and I was in the middle of a very chaotic week of work with no real prospect to try and calm the storm. I made it through, and am right now sitting down on a park bench in the Schlossgarten trying to type this all up as a form of processing and getting things off my chest. It's clear I need to refocus, quick and fast, if I am going to get a grip on my mental fortitude and find some satisfaction in the coming months. So I'm gonna break things down here, hopefully somewhat quick. Going back to the wise words of Zed from the Sword of Truth series, Don't think about the Problem, think about the Solution.

Reflection with reflections

Love

Honestly, this is the thing that is without a doubt weighing on me the most. I eventually want to get married, start a family, but before that I really want to meet the woman I can adventure, joke, talk, discuss, travel, learn, grow, and be with. That utopic setup plays in my mind so fucking often it hurts and is very very unhealthy. I focus on it, but it's not something I can force to happen, or work hard to make it come to reality. I've always been one to, when I have something I want to achieve or something needs to get done, put my head down and do it. But meeting someone is organic, and honestly, 99.99999% luck. That's not something I can force.

No, it's not a problem or wrong that I want this for myself. This is what I see as a key part of happiness - having someone to be with and share love and adventure and all that life has to offer. But the fact that I focus on this so much is not healthy and downright distracting to every other aspect of my life.

Problem: I put so much weight and focus on finding someone and being in a relationship that it affects me mentally in a consistently pervasive and negative manner
Solution: Acknowledge that this is an important part of my life to me, but realize that there are so many aspects of this that I cannot control. The more I let this desire control me and consume who I am, the less I am able to live the life that's right out in front of me.

That's a solution that I've been telling myself, but honestly I hear it more frequently from everyone around me. It's true, so goddamn true, but it's such a hard thing to hear, and even harder to implement.

I've dated here in Germany, and in the three years here have had one relationship that ended up being very strong. But right now, how can I go into a relationship in good faith in a foreign country that I know I likely won't be living in for a very long time, and expect something to start? How can a relationship start when I don't know where I'm going to be in the world in 6 months or a year?

Living

It's been a while since I haven't had a stopwatch running on my living location. For CBYX (2013-2014), that was surely the case. Once I started up at Daimler in the CAReer Program (2015-2016), that was surely the case. And ever since the whole saga of my expat contract (2019-now), there's been a clear boundary on when I was living where. That situation is now back and fresh in my mind, and it's as stressful as ever. On the plus side - I have all my options open, and all my options are honestly good ones. I can't complain about that. But on the down side - sometimes having no boundaries on options or choices is harder than having some. That's the situation I find myself in.

Right now, I've got a few confirmed, and one to-be-explored, options:

  1. I could extend my expat contract another year. That'd keep me in the same work location, living location, and country, but honestly push off all the over-arching dilemmas for another year
  2. I could let my expat contract run out, and move away. Most likely option here would of course be to transer back to the PNW and set up shop for a longer period of time
  3. I could just take on a local contract in Germany and ride that until I am ready for a change. This is much less likely, because again, home is calling and I'm also kinda ready for a change from my current situation. And I kinda already approached that idea with my ex.
  4. The option I need to explore is the thought of a sabbatical. I'm a good 8 years now into my career, but am already feeling jaded and done with it all. To try and reset from the politics and bullshit and take some time to figure what the fuck do I actually want out of my life, I might have to remove myself from my current life and go somewhere else to see a different side of it all.

Problem: I don't know where I should be in the world, or where my next step will take me
Solution: Not fucking easy... Solution pending and it's something I've been chewing over throughout the last few months

At this point, the heavy favorite is to move back to Portland. I'll have to look for a job to do it through work, but whether it be sooner or sometime after my contract ends, Portland is looking more and more like the next stop in my life train. That's not to say this option is without reservations or drawbacks, or that this is a done deal. But honestly, if that's the case, I'll be looking to not put a timeline on another move. I want to find somewhere and be there. Not always think about where I am going next. Of course, life happens and who knows what could come up, but I look forward to not having a pending major decision to make, whenever that may be.

Me

At this point, it doesn't matter where I live, I need to re-learn how to be in love with who I am. As the old adage goes, if you don't love yourself, how can someone else love you? I've had long stretches of life where I've been single, and for most of those I've been able to learn about who I am, lead a fulfilling and usually pretty fucking awesome life. Those states have always taken time to achieve, but somehow this time I'm really struggling to get back to that point.

Regardless of where I find myself in the world, the one constant in every picture is me. I'm always there. I don't have a girlfriend or wife or my own family, so my household right now consists of me. How can I have a content household if I'm always looking out the window for something else?

Problem: I let the importance of finding a partner overshadow all aspects of my life
Solution: Dive back into me. Get adventurous, travel, be proactive, find things to do, be a "Yes Man". Get rid of the mentality that I need to have someone in my life to be happy. Fuck that, I've got enough cool shit going on for me that I don't have time to sulk about not having someone with me.

I've got a lot of stuff going on, and going on for me. There is no reason for me to let my positivity be dependent on someone else being in my life. I've lived it before and I will live it again, but I've got a lot going on for me and I need to really explore who and what I am and what my life has going on.

Reflection with Lacrosse

Work

Now the least exciting topic in the overall scope of things, but since my predicament is essentially all due to work, it's also an important aspect of what decision I have coming up. At this point, I'm between a couple of cross-roads, both of which will shape my career pretty clearly.

Management or Engineering? I'll be going through some management training in a couple weeks, and overall, I've had the idea to jump to the next level and become a team leader. This would bring me out of the engineering world and instead of a focus on technical topics, lead me into leadership, organizational, company topics. There are a whole swath of details that lead or play into this, but overall I feel like I'm ready to make the jump, but also ready for a change in my day-to-day activities.

Of course, this isn't a given. I would really have to apply and work for a management role. And even if I got it, I'm unsure of how that role would impact my life. Will I always be on call? Will I enjoy being a leader? Will the workload destroy my personal life and balance? A lot of open questions and unsureness that come with it.

ADAS or something else? This is a fairly new idea that's floated by, but the thought of leaving the area I've always been in is becoming more and more attractive. I've always worked in Advanced Driver Assistance Systems, and the testing and development thereof. It's an exciting area, but what else is out there? How can I add to my resume, experience, expertise, and value, by going somewhere else within the company? What could I learn or gain from somewhere new, but what also could I bring to the table from an outside perspective?

Daimler or somewhere else? Automotive and Daimler was the first job offer that came my way back in 2015. I was broke with student loans to pay back, and I got a helluva entry into the work world through Daimler and the CAReer Program. But now it's been a good while, and although every company has politics and bullshit to deal with, I feel like I'm ready for a different flavor of a few things. The prospect of wind energy has always been in the back of my mind. Is it time I push for getting into this industry again? What other companies and industries could I find myself engaged and excited about?

Problem: I don't know which fork on the path that is my career to take
Solution: Plenty of options are there. Take what comes, be proactive and search what could be interesting, and see what happens

Pretty cop-out solution, because honestly, I still don't know what's the right or best move to make here. Each of the three questions above are still fully open and honestly each one could still tip either way. But as I said, although this option has likely the most impact on the logistics of my living situation, everything else is at this point weighing so much heavier on my head and heart. We'll see what happens with the work thing.

Well...

As you can see, I'm mentally in a tumultous spot. But the tumult, frustration, anxiety, worry, disappointment, and emotional rollercoaster I'm on is one I know I can get into grips. It's gonna take some focus, help, determination, and some grace for myself, but it's definitely something I can do. And have done before. Yes I want a relationship, but before anything comes I gotta get back in touch with me and appreciate who I am.

The whole topic of big decisions though is something that I'm gonna be chewing on quite a lot for the next few months. A lot of big decisions to make, but I need to approach them with a little less stress on my heart. Big decisions that will determine the next few years of my life, but that's just how it goes. Work is gonna work itself out and will be heavily influenced with where I want to live in the world. It's all stressful right now because I don't have a marching direction. But once a few months pass, I know what option I've chosen, and slowly the logistics and plan of whatever next step come into view, things will calm down a good bit.

Thank you all for your understanding and for reading this overflow of emotions. I've been struggling lately and that might not stop in the next bit, but I know I've got some things I need to refocus just to get to a stable and healthy mental state.


Now for the part where you actually get to hear about what the hell's been going on! The looking back will be hopefully sometime soon wrapped up a little more extensively in its own post, but here's some deets of what else has been going on. And for me, perfect concrete examples of the great life I'm leading and exciting person I am.

Looking Back

As I mentioned in Breaking in 2022, I had a great end of 2022 planned, and that's what it was. Here's some dope shit that went down over the last nearly year:

Looking Forward

Summer is almost officially upon us. And since I've got some vacation and overtime to burn, as well as another holiday or two coming up, I plan on using them very wisely. As I type this up, I'm in the midst of one long weekend. Today has been low-key writing and reflecting, with Christoph's birthday later tonight! Then tomorrow I'm heading down to Mollau, France to ride with Steph and Franz, and on Monday I'll be hitting up the La Bresse bike park for the first time to see what that's like.

A short week of work, then nothing planned for next weekend, but the week after I've got three days of management training. We'll see how it goes. But from there, I'm heading straight down to Italy and will be utilizing the Thursday holiday to get in a long weekend of backpacking in the Dolomites. Holy shit I need a break from the world with me and my tent and some mountains, and I'm hoping that'll scratch the itch.

June will likely go by pretty quick, but at the end we've got a 2-day team workshop to discuss what our team structure and plan will be going forward. Then, I'll only have a couple days after that until my big adventure kicks off.

I've taken all of July off, and will be doing one big ass road trip through northern Europe. I'll start off cruising through Poland, visiting a buddy in Bydgoszcz, then kick around Gdansk for a bit, then July 5th I'll be picking up Zack from the airport in Riga, Latvia, and we'll get to adventure around the Baltics!!! Really looking forward to seeing him and exploring that area with my buddy!!!

Zack flies out of Helsinki on July 10th, and from there I'll be jetting up with Rupert to the northernmost point of Europe, and will have the rest of the trip to cruise down the Norwegian coast. No real goals in sight other than camping, hiking, and exploring all that comes my way. I am SUPER excited for that and the freedom of the open road, and the absolute breathtaking beauty of Norway. It'll be great to be back in the natural wonderland I was able to visit 9 years prior, and lord knows I need some nature and the decompression that'll come with it.

After July, I'm not sure what will be coming up. Pretty much from that point on, it'll be me trying to figure out what decisions will be made and when things are shaking out. Gonna be an interesting time period trying to make a decision for myself, but it's gonna have to happen at some point.

Thanks for following along. I hope you are doing well, staying healthy, and finding adventure (big and small) in every day. :-)

Reflection with Trains



Dates Covered in Post: May 27th, 2023
Original Publish Date: May 27th, 2023